Speech 2 Outline
Introduction Fossil fuel is running low and harming the environment. The global temperature is rising There are less than 50 years of reserve left The pollutants are harmful to the body Body People should start driving electric cars They are way more energy efficient Causes way less noise than gasoline cars No emissions from the car Benefits to the consumer Tax breaks on for buying electric vehicles No risk of carbon monoxide poisoning Batteries don't carry the risk of explosion unlike gasoline Conclusion Electric cars will help cut the addiction on fossil fuel Promote investment in clean energy Reduce economic risk from countries like Saudi
My overall impression of your paper is that it effectively answers the prompt and gets the job done. You did a good job of contrasting the characteristics of academic and non academic finance writings, which was the papers overall purpose.
ReplyDeleteThere were areas that could be improved, however. Citations, for instance, can be better explained and analyzed. Also, instead of just quoting the title of the article in your paper, quote something from that article that supports your claim. When you brought up the article "A Harvard Business Study Says That You Will Work Harder If You Find Out Your Boss Makes More Than You Thought" I was very intrigued by the title, but didn't get any information from the article.
Another area of improvement could be the structure. For instance, you only have one sub header for academic writings, but two for non academic. I would recommend making a Language subheading discussing the language used in financial academic writings. Another little thing is the conclusion is too spaced out, but that is an easy fix. Other than that, the format and structure looks up to par.
Another thing you can add to improve your paper is more sources. I would definitely use your personal interview more as it is only brought up once or twice in the whole thing. Make sure there is information and analysis for every source you have listed in your references on the last page. Giving more details on these sources will make your paper look more credible and knowledgeable.
Jason,
ReplyDeleteThe contents of the paper and the general structure is good, however to me it seems that you need to fill in the gaps so to speak. You make a lot of good points, and have fairly effective use of your quotations in the paper, however there are several areas that I feel you could do a better job of introducing the quote and then subsequently explaining it.
There are only two points in the introduction that I think you should change. For starters, you say “It surprises many people when they first discover the wide varieties of writing that takes place in the financial field.” but then you don’t list any of the areas where writing takes place. This leaves the reader hanging. You do explain this point later, however a brief preview/explanation should be added after this sentence. Second, I think that you should add a conclusion sentence to your intro, some sort of wrap up/transition so that the intro doesn’t end with the methods and the sources that will be used.
Lack of transition is a common theme throughout your paper in my opinion. When you start the Academic Writing section you begin with “On top of publishing financial statements reports for companies, many finance professionals also conduct research in their own fields.” While this sentence partially serves as an introduction it comes through in a very awkward way. I also think that the last “In their own fields” is slightly unnecessary as you have already stated that they are finance professionals. At the end of the academic writing section there is no real conclusion sentence to the paragraph, and I think you mixed up your dependent and independent variables. The language is not the cause for the articles not being aimed at the general public, the language is a result of the articles not being aimed at the general public. In the structure section you begin with “Academic writings in general exhibit the same pattern in body composition.” this is not really an introduction to structure, and furthermore it leaves the reader with the question of the same pattern in body composition as what?
Your conclusion seems very fragmented overall, the last two sentences seem like they could be re-written into one. Starting the last sentence with so feels very awkward for a conclusion. In addition, I am not entirely sure why you are speaking about varied professions when this paper narrowly focuses on writing in financial fields, maybe state it as the varied professions within the financial field. I think it also would be good to add a sentence about the purpose of each type of writing and how it relates to the field overall.
The majority of your quotes were very well explained and used. The only one that is bugging me
is in the purpose section of the non-academic section when you reference Sailor Academy. You don’t use any quotes from it or explain any more than that it contains nonacademic writing.